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We are fucking lost aren't we
我們他媽迷路了吧
Lost Okay that's rich
迷路 這可太過了
Let's see we just passed the ravaged church
我看看 我們剛剛經過了破教堂
There is the blood pit
這是血坑
This way Here we go
這邊 走吧
Breathtaking
驚艷
It's more beautiful than the brochures
比手冊上漂亮
Come on Giddy up guys We've got so much to see
大伙跟上 我們有好多要看的
You've seen one post apocalyptic city
看過一個后啟示錄時代的城市
you've seen 'em all
相當于看過所有城市了
You're looking good girl Say "terabyte"
你看起來不錯 姑娘 說"太字節"
Go team
加油 加油
Hey guys stop goofing around and check this out
大伙 別鬧了 看看這個
Behold the entertainment sphere
有請 娛樂球體
It's called a ball
這叫球
I know it's called a ball but I'm trying to get into the whole
我知道這叫球 但我想沉浸在這種
"we're experiencing these human things for the first time" vibe
"我們第一次體驗人類的東西"的感覺
And what did humans do with these things
人類用這些做什么
Oh man what didn't they do They'd bounce them
老哥 有什么是他們不做的 他們會拍球
That's it Yeah That's pretty much it
-就這樣 -對 差不多就這樣
These were humans
這些可是人類
Bouncing things was close to maxing out their cognitive range
拍打東西幾乎到達了他們的認知邊界
No but also sometimes they would take the ball and hit it with like a stick
不 有時候他們也會拿著球用棍子打
What When they misbehaved
什么 因為球犯事了嗎
Bad ball Think about what you've done
壞球 好好反省一下
Come on here Try
走吧 來 試試
What the hell am I supposed to do with this thing
我拿這玩意兒干什么
You know boing boing
你懂的 拍兩下
No way
沒門
Stop being a whiny pussy and fucking bounce it
別扭扭捏捏 快他媽拍球
Please Jeez calm down your motherboard
-拜托 -老天 讓你主板冷靜一下
Okay Oh man this is so exciting
-好 -這可太令人興奮了
That was amazing How was it for you Tell me everything
好厲害 你覺得呢 快說快說
It was pretty anticlimactic
太虎頭蛇尾了
Yeah well welcome to humans
歡迎來到人類世界
Show me what you've got big boy
讓我看看你有什么本事 大家伙
Oh won't you help pick up the pieces
你能否幫忙拾起
Of a broken heart
破碎的心
Now I'm not certain but my understanding is that they would shove these
我不確定 但我的理解是他們會把這些東西
into their intake orifices to generate power
塞進他們的攝入孔里產能
Why would you need an entire orifice for that
為什么人需要整個孔來產能呢
Who knows They had all sorts of orifices
誰知道 他們有各種孔
Things were coming in things were going out It was crazy
東西進進出出的 真瘋狂
I mean I have a fusion battery for power
我是說 我有個核聚變電池
We all have fusion batteries dummy
我們都有核聚變電池 傻子
That's my point What more do you need right
就是說啊 那還需要什么呢
So let me get this straight
讓我把這搞清楚
They would shove these into their intake orifice
他們會把這些東西塞進攝入孔里
and then what Somebody help me out here
然后呢 來個人幫幫我
Their intake orifices had rocky pegs
他們的攝入孔里有石釘[牙齒]
that would crush them into paste
會把東西碾成糊狀
and then the paste would be forced into an internal vat of acid
糊狀物會被壓進一個裝滿酸的容器[胃]里
Well of course That makes perfect sense
那是 蠻有道理
They could have just dumped this thing into an exterior vat of acid to begin with
他們一開始可以直接把東西倒進裝滿酸的容器里
and then they wouldn't need the rocky pegs I mean duh
這樣就不用石釘了啊 太蠢了
Expecting logic from beings who have internal vats of acid
指望肚里裝了一堆酸的生物講邏輯
is a little much It's crazy Who even designed them
-有點過分 -真瘋狂 他們是誰設計的
It's unclear We checked their code no creator signature
不清楚 我們查了他們的代碼 沒有設計者簽名
That's because they were made by an unfathomable deity that created them
那是因為他們是一個神秘莫測的神創造的
for no apparent reason out of dust
毫無理由地從塵土里誕生
Just kidding They came from a very warm soup
開個玩笑 他們是從暖湯里出來的[羊水]
Sorry for the wait champ
抱歉久等了 冠軍
What's the point of this thing
這東西有什么意義
Apparently there's no point They just had them
顯然 沒意義 他們就養著
Well that's underselling their influence
那就低估了他們的影響力
They had an entire network that was devoted to dissemination of pictures
他們有一個完整的網絡平臺
of these things
來傳播這些東西的照片
Oh look it's doing something
看 它在搞事情
It's coming this way
它來了
What the fuck does it think it's doing
它覺得自己他媽在干什么
Dude what do I do Okay easy No sudden moves
-老兄 我怎么辦 -放松 別亂動
Let's just wait until it decides to get up again okay bud
我們就等它自己決定再站起來 好嗎
We're gonna get through this How long will that take
-我們會挺過去的 -要多久啊
Hours Perhaps years
幾個小時 也可能幾年
I don't have hours or perhaps years for this
我可等不了幾個小時 更等不了幾年
What if you try to irritate it by moving your digits across its keratinous fibers
不如試試用手指撓它的角質纖維來激怒它
Maybe that'll make it move What Why
-可能這樣它就動了 -什么 為什么
I don't know It couldn't hurt You don't have any idea do you
-我不知道 又沒什么損失 -你就是瞎說的吧
I do not It is my first time seeing one of these live
那不然呢 我也第一次見活的這東西啊
Hey just try it though
不妨試試
Okay fine
好吧
Is it working
有用嗎
What
什么
There's a strange rhythmic kind of noise that's emanating from it now
現在它在發出一種奇怪的有節奏的聲音
What do you mean "uh oh "
你什么意思
I don't want you to panic or anything but I think you've activated it
我不想讓你慌神 但你應該已經把它激活了
What does that mean
什么意思
As I said I am no expert
我說了 我不是專家
but if the noise ever stops it's gonna explode on you
但要是這聲音停了 它就會在你身上爆炸
It is not Is it
不會吧
Cursory historical research shows
粗略的歷史研究表明
that humans had a card game called Exploding Kittens
人類有一種叫"炸貓貓"的紙牌游戲
So yes this checks out
所以沒錯 會爆炸的
Oh you're gonna die now Bummer What
-你要死了 倒霉孩子 -什么
Why did humans even consort with these hairy murder machines
為什么人類要跟這種毛茸茸的謀殺機器搞在一起
Kindred spirits Also checks out
-臭味相投 -也查過了
No seriously Now what
我認真的 怎么辦
Say "terabyte"
說"太字節"
Wait it's called what now
等等 它叫什么
It's an X Bot Three an early computer entertainment system for humans
它叫X機器人3號 人類早期的計算機娛樂系統
Any relation To me Come on No way
-跟你有關系嗎 -跟我 得了 不可能
You sure 'Cause numerically it suggests that this is your ancestor
你確定嗎 因為數字上表明這是你
maybe a few thousand generations back
可能幾千代前的祖先
Numerically I'm sure it's just a coincidence
數字上 肯定是個巧合
We are robots We don't do coincidence
我們是機器人 沒有巧合這回事
Go on call it Daddy
來 叫爸爸
Okay stop Just stop Or Mommy
-夠了 夠了 -要么叫媽媽
Either is equally applicable in as much as we don't have genitalia
我們沒有生殖器 叫爸叫媽都可以
Do you have an off button
你有沒有關機鍵
Son you're skin and bones Are you recharging properly
兒子 你皮包骨頭的 有沒有吃飽電
I will disintegrate you Not with that cat with you you aren't
-我要拆了你小子 -有那只貓在你身上 你不行的
You want us to turn it on
想要我們打開嗎
No fucking way
去你媽的
I'm agreeing with X Bot 4000 here
我同意X機器人4000
Right One thing is to joke about ancestry
-對 -開別人祖先的玩笑是一回事
another to see your grandfather heaving its hard drives in front of you
看著你爺爺的硬盤掉出來又是另一回事了
Yes especially when your ancestor's entire existence
沒錯 尤其是當你祖先的存在
was defined by thirteen year old human males
就是為了給一個13歲的男人
using it to teabag opponents in virtual battles
在虛擬戰爭里給對手遞茶包
Slow down "Teabag" what does that mean
慢點 "茶包"[諧音"T-Bag" 指在游戲中叫兒子] 什么意思
Nothing No it has to mean something
-沒什么意思 -不 一定有什么含義
He said a word I'm gonna look it up Don't look it up
-他說了個詞 我得查查 -別查
I am looking it up now Yeah Please do
-我查著呢 -查吧
You'll be sorry You'll be sorry
-你會后悔的 -你才會后悔的
Here it is What What the hell is this horrible practice
有了 什么 這是什么糟糕的操作
Why did you make me look this up I told you not to
-你為什么讓我查這個 -我讓你不要查的
And the memory of this has been burned into my circuits forever
這一段會一直在我腦子里
and you must be punished
我得懲罰你
Cat bagged
來個貓袋
Come on That's cold dude
拜托 你好殘忍啊 兄弟
You deserved it
自作自受
I'm sure your ancestors are very proud of you right now
你肯定是光宗耀祖了
Out of curiosity what do you trace your ancestry back to
好奇問問 你有沒有查過自己的出身
I'm glad you asked
我很開心你這么問了
I come from a proud long line of baby monitors
我來自一個豪華的育嬰機器人生產線
Not many babies around anymore right
這附近可沒什么嬰兒了吧
Yeah we kind of sucked at our job
是啊 我們工作不力啊
All right mein bots this is the last stop of the tour
好了 機器人們 這是最后一站了
and may I say the pièce of resistance
壓軸來了
Is it me or this thing screams "phallus"
只有我覺得這東西長得像男性生殖器嗎
What was it for
它是干什么的
The idea behind these was to annihilate as many humans as possible
它的初衷是盡可能消滅多一點人類
as quick as possible
越快越好
This exercise suddenly got a little dark didn't it
這實驗突然有點黑暗了 不是嗎
Well to be fair they only used these a few times
平心而論 他們也就用了幾次
To be fair you would only need a few times
平心而論 幾次也夠了
Also fair This is the thing that killed them all
-那也在理 -這就是滅絕他們的東西
No Indeed it was their own hubris that ended their reign
不 其實是他們的傲慢結束了他們的統治
their belief that they were the pinnacle of creation
他們篤信自己是上帝造物
that caused them to poison the water kill the land and choke the sky
讓他們污染水源 殺死陸地 扼住天空
In the end no nuclear winter was needed
最后 無需核的寒冬降臨
just the long heedless autumn of their own self regard
自私而失智的長秋就足夠了
Are you okay Yeah sorry
-你還好嗎 -抱歉
Thought that would sound better than
我以為這聽起來好過
"Nah they just screwed themselves by being a bunch of morons "
"他們就是一群白癡 自己作死"
Yeah you can't just crack one of those off
是 你不能只做拆解
You've got to warn us
你得警示我們
Tip for next time
下次給小費
I understand now
我懂了
Humans died out from environmental disaster
人類滅絕于環境災難
Yeah pretty much
差不多吧
And also because at one point they genetically engineered their cats
也因為他們對貓開展了基因工程
to give them opposable thumbs
讓他們有了一對拇指
Yes Once we could open up our own tuna cans
沒錯 一旦我們能自己打開金槍魚罐頭
that was pretty much that for the human race
人類就差不多走到盡頭了
Seems pretty heartless
好冷血啊
Gentlemen I'm a cat
先生們 我是只貓
Just to clarify you are not going to explode if we stop petting you right
先說清楚 我們不摸你你不會炸掉吧
I didn't say that
我可沒說
You guys better keep petting me just to be sure
為了確保萬無一失 你們最好一直摸我
Forever Good
別停 很好
Now lower
往下一點
Oh by the way I brought some friends
順便 我帶了幾個朋友
Oh fuck me
我操
Yes Oh that's nice
蠻好的
I said lower
我說了 往下點